literature

Reflecting On Me

Deviation Actions

crackedmirror's avatar
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Literature Text

Seductive child, i felt you
beneath me;
lips painted wicked red
china doll in her courtesan dress.


You\'ve sat and read me, heard my words whisper through the echoes of a computer to reach your heart. But have you ever really felt me? Why, i do things? Why, i never capitalize the i\'s? Every one is different, everyone feels these things but in their own unique way. When you say you can relate to me, can you really? Do you honestly know what it is im expressing? Perhaps its time you should.

His name was Shuan, not the most attractive guy. But pleasing. He was obsessed with his hair. Constantly recombing and recombing untill it was just perfect. Funny though, he seemed to know about his obsession and didnt bother to apologize for it. Just matter of factly stated what was wrong with him and that was that. A remarkable trait, something i could never do. Perhaps, in time i will learn this. But ah, i get off the subject. He had a temper, a really bad temper. Little things would set him off. I wasnt afraid though, it just amused me. Especially when he announced in that matter of fact tone of his and said; \"See, its the little things that set me off.\"

Who is he? Why is he important? Well, he isnt really. Yeah, he is. Its confusing. Life is confusing. You get used to this.

He was in the army, on leave home when i saw him again. He was staying at Motel 6 for the night. Sunday night. I didnt have any way to go over to visit him, but he called me and said, \"If you want to come over, ill pay for a taxi.\" Of course i accepted. Hey, its me after all. I cant help but smile as i think of the way i rather oddly stated my independance. I told my mother, i was going otu for the night, i was 17, and that she would get over it. Of course, she did. Though not untill after a few of her stalker/obsessive episodes. Untill she had the room number and could have access to the phone to call me at all times. I suppose i could understand that. I had given her alot of trouble when i was younger. Not even ten years old and i was a bad ass. Or thought i was. Stayed up all night, refused to go to school, had extremely bad bouts of depression or temper tantrums. Normal kid stuff, right? Possibly not. Possibly im the most fucked up person on the earth. But i honestly doubt that. That satsifies me. For the moment.

After an extremely long wait for the taxi i finally got to my destination and met him, his sister and his sisters friend Caleb. We watched movies for a while. I was shy. Im always shy around strangers. Well, unless im in a hyper mood. Then all bets are off. I can hear you thinking. Crackie?! Shy?! Yeah. These are different people. People that i dont have access to the brains of, as i do most of the people that comment on my works. By brains i mean, the writings, the artistry. Thats you. Everywhere else, i go in blindfolded.

Finally his sister drug her friend to the bathroom and well. It doesnt take much imagination to know what they did. Especially after she came out half naked to grab a condom. I didnt need to hear what they were doing. Or his knee hitting the floor. But alas, i was stuck with it. It was a quickie. And then he left. Im sure your not really even interested in what they were doing.Im setting the mood. Every good story starts this way, right? Not that i ever said this writing would be good.

He left everything up to me. Which was a bit frustrating as i was rather shy. But i finally worked up the nerve to take him by the hand and drag him to the bathroom. Drag him i did. Which he found rather amusing and caused me to be rather disgruntled. I stripped him after a few seconds of him just looking at me. Sex crazed teenager left alone with someone who was willing to lay back and let her try all the kinky out on him. I suppose sub and switch wasnt the best match but, we had all the right parts.

Wondering what happened next? Its obvious isnt it, we had sex. It wasnt bad and it wasnt, oh my god, girrrlll you wont believe what this guy did to me last night. But it was good. Id always had this fascination with oral sex. Not on me. On them. So of course, he was only to happy to oblige. Especially since i had a tongue ring. I wonder now, if thats what he was attracted to me for? That he had never had a girl with a tongue ring give him a blowjob. I suppose it doesnt matter now. But my ego is a fragile thing, and i speculate to much. Anyways, i tasted i learned. It didnt taste bad. Rather good in fact. Salty but not gag worthy. Which is a good thing, because throwing up on the bathroom floor and over him would not have been, ah, the best thing to do. He seemed to like it. Which is a plus. A very big plus and i learned things about me in those moments. That i enjoyed pleasing another, that i liked the almost primal delight of having another becoming part of you.

I scratch. Angry red welts streaked down his back. I never even took off my bra and he was inside of me. My head rested against the wall. I didnt even notice. But he did. He was rather sweet, worrying if i was ok, and if i needed a pillow. While fucking me untill i bled. Yes, i bled. Ive hinted enough that i was a virgin. But if you havent figured it out. I was a virgin. Many reasons for this little fact. The main being that i was molested when i was ten. He touched me. I got scared. I became shy. Thus the creation of an almost 17 year old virgin. Not to say i hadnt, had \"experiences\" because i had. Females, though. Not ones id really like to discuss. But not that interesting, anyway. The first two or three thrusts ripped me. Bad. I never even whimpered. I had always scared myself with my toleration for dealing in silence. I have my reasons, and i stick to them. And thus retain my silence. Even when im happy. But not, when im writing.

Have you ever read a romance novel? I have. Tons of them. I loved the over-done dramatic bits of love and the man she saves from his own darkness. Corny, though they are. They are sweet at the same time. But they over romantiscize the sexual act, and the females reaction to orgasm. There was no exploding lights behind my eyes, i didnt scream, i didnt explode. Shame that society gobbles up books that flat out lie to you, even knowing that they do. Maybe those fat little books sell hope. Hope that they will find that one true love that will give them those exploding lights. I honestly dont know. And i did tell you that i speculate to much.

He saw the razor blade scars on my arm, it had fallen weakly to the side and he mentioned something about them. But to tell the truth i wasnt really listening to his words at that point. And he never mentioned them again, so i dont even know if he cared. But fact is, i dont really care about them either. Just another screw up that Lynann has done. Many more will be in the making, worry not.

It was over to soon. Maybe thats just me. Because im a greedy little girl. My friend, Bebe, tells me that often enough. i remember him saying something about being so wet, etc, etc that i had cumm already. Did i? I didnt notice. I jsut knew it felt good. Alas, i was to shy to ask for more. i should have. i also remember him telling me that i was bleeding. Was i? Oh. I guess i was. I discovered that i blank out during sex. Just feel. Ive never had that happen before. Its always she thinks to much. Worries to much. Philosophizes to much and then realizes what she feels when she absently types down into the keyboard and random words spill across the page. Maybe thats why i wanted more? Because it was mindless self indulgence. You didnt have to worry about anything else when you did this. You just felt.

It was a messy buisness, sweat, the scent of sex, scratches, blood, cumm. Thats alright though. I helped him clean off and then he noticed me curling against the floor staring absently and left me alone to clean up in private. He knew i was shy. Sweet of him. Suprising how concerned he was for me. But hey, he was a skitzo, who followed the god Loki, and an army man. He suprised me all the time. I sat there for a bit thinking, just thinking against the cool tile floor. Just then realizing. Hey, i lost my virginity on the bathroon floor of the Oroville Motel 6.

Nothing much happened afterwards, except for me being rather sore as i type this. I bet, your wondering why did i just reveal this incident about me. I honestly dont know. I think i just needed to write about it, because it changed me. Made me crave that mindless self indulgence i found in the act. I probably shouldnt share this, or post this. But, someone once told me, \"if its important enough to write about, then its important enough to share.\" Ill never forget those words. Or the person that uttered them.


i crave the pure feeling that goes into sex. i scratch. i like it rough. i love the taste of cumm. the bathroom floor will always be comforting to me. i hate myself. i never capitialize i\'s because i do not see myself important enough to push my ego to the point of making anything referring to myself so visible. i write, because; your view of the world does not satisfy me. i share; because i do not want someone to be satisfied by the way i view the world. i am shy, because i hate myself. and if i hate myself. how can i expect you to like me? i cut because the blood is pretty and because its like sex. pure feeling.

fluid stained;
blue tile spread across
the cheap white floor
huddled and bleeding;
i reflected upon me.
.
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Comments24
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butttacos's avatar
wow...that was terrific..so honest and to the point. Even the rambling didn't distract me, which it usually does. I liked it...I think it added character, not like it needed it :P (Lick)
I reaaaally like it...and I honestly can't say why. But I do know that I liked it a lot. +fav